January 1st, 2025
New Years Dream
By Bonnie Tarantino
Last night, on the heels of a high fever, I went to bed by 9 PM and had a strange dream that I had a fourth child. He was born wearing a clean blue onesie and had little white teeth. Despite the teeth, he nursed kindly. He was in a rush to walk and was walking by 3 days old. He carried with him determination, independence, and a definite impatience. Every time I tried to assist him and protect him from falling on his fragile, thin skull., he pushed me away. Eventually, he fell hard and gashed the back of his head. He bled an astounding deep maroon. I called to Scott to apply pressure. The baby eerily didn’t cry. Scott said, “He’ll be fine,” like he always says when the kids get hurt. The baby waited for us to stop the bleeding and, once we did, wiggled away, walking even faster.
I wonder about dreams. I consider them. How could this relate to the new year ahead? Why was this my New Year’s dream? Sometimes, the New Year is portrayed as a new baby. I looked up this symbol and discovered that “baby new year is a male infant wearing a diaper, top hat, and sash often paired with father time. I do remember this image from growing up. The tradition dates back to ancient Greece, around 600 BC. To mark the new year, they would parade a baby through the streets along with Father Time to celebrate the birth of Dionysus, the god of fertility and wine. Something ancient in me last night was ticking, remembering Father Time, calling forth Dionysus.
My next question when I analyze a dream is, how did I feel in the dream? Often, the images don’t match the feelings. How did I feel in the dream? I felt concerned. I felt that something was trying to get away from me. I felt disregarded as a mother. I felt this child was moving on without me. It is easy to find these feelings after spending two weeks with my three adult children, one of which thinks she is still living in a college dorm and can come in at 5AM! All of my children are very independent, ready for their next step, and willing to fall as long as they keep going forward. I am very aware of the careful tap dance I play with them to honor their decisions while inserting my motherly advice. But the disregarded piece was more challenging to find. I don’t feel my children disregard me. So where do I feel disregarded as a mother, as a woman? Hmmm… Found it. If you know, you know.
When you wake from a dream, there is a disorientation, a recalibrating of worlds, a re-entry into one-dimensional living. Unlike in life, your dreams are like your thoughts, all layered on top of each other, one thought over the next, weaving and weaving the world of feelings into vibrant, unfiltered images. In real time, we have to do one thing at a time. We can only experience and process one thing at a time. In the dream world, everything is happening everywhere and everything all at once. So when I unravel it all, and lay it out logically, what is the one thing I can take with me from my New Year’s dream? What is the coded message?
One takeaway is that I can’t go back. My children will never climb back into my lap. They will forever more only visit, and when they do, they will eventually get antsy, pack up their bags, and ask for a ride to the airport. Like them, time will keep getting up after smacking its head and rush forward. Time also comes with teeth. It’s always ready to sink its teeth into life to propel forward. Time also comes with impatience. Something is constantly pushing the big hand on the clock forward like your heartbeat keeps ticking.
Each second can be a new year, for it only takes a second to decide to change your life. It only takes a second to turn on a dime and say no or yes to a whole new way of being. The moment you met, the moment you said, “hell no, never again.” The moment you decided to unclench your fist and love again, the moment you got pregnant, the moment you gave birth. When you reflect on the moments that define you, did they happen on day one of the new year? No. They happened in a specific second on a specific day in a specific year. They all happened in between a beat in your tireless heart.
So, I have decided that I am going to keep an eye on this little baby today. I am going to sit back and watch how it goes. I will watch how it toddles, then walks, then runs, then leaps. The reality is that for me, there is really no rush into the new year. This is organically a time of hibernation, retreat, and restoration. Don’t think so? Go try and plant some tomatoes outside in this 30-degree wind. It is silly. Join me, go easy. Make the fire, sip the tea, pile up the good books, read with a pen, and make marks all over the margins.
At the end of my dream, the baby put his head over my shoulders and synched his breath to mine. The baby settled down. So, I take that as my final coded message: there is no rush to grow up today. You do not have to be a better person or finally stick to the plan. Today is about finding your breath, settling down, and letting one thing happen, one thing, one moment at a time. Today is about listening to the exhale of your breath and the quiet space between the beats in your forever-young heart. Today is about letting things happen without you while you watch some people rush ahead with wild hope. Let them rush. Let them hope. Someone has to pull that big-hand clock hand forward. For today, I know it is not me. I am going to sit back and let it all happen.
Happy New Year Everyone! Here we go!
Image taken from https://deepdreamgenerator.com/ddream/q6zn0qpu2r2
