December 11th, 2024
I am not sure if you know this about me, but I have a personal assistant. Her name is Babs, and she works mostly between 3:30 and 6:30 AM. She shows up on time every day and stands about three feet from my bed. She startles me every time she starts work, often with her chronic little cough in the back of her throat. She also is obsessed with whether I have to pee.
“Sorry to bother you,” she starts,…”but don’t you have to pee?”
“NO.”
“Ok… I’ll wait for a better time…..How about now?”
“Come On. I am not getting out of this bed. If I get out of this bed you will start up with me and I am not ready.”
“But you have to pee right? Like you can’t sleep on our left side anymore tonight because you have to pee.”
I turn over. I can feel her waiting. Her nose is running a little. Now my nose runs. Now I need to blow my nose but then I will wake Scott. Now I have to pee and blow my nose.
“Ok.. I am going to pee. Don’t talk to me.. Not about anything.” I say.
Now I am on the toilet..
She is larking. “Ok.. I just have one thing for you to consider and I really don’t want you to forget.”
“I am not talking to you.”
“I don’t want to forget to ask you…..It’s, it’s..it’s about… insurance.”
“Insurance?”
“Yes, you did not pay your professional liability insurance yet for the new year. You need to do that.. You are busy now with the barn. People come in and out all the time now.
“I will take care of it in the morning.”
“You can take care of it right now while you are sitting there. You can do it on the phone online. Right here in the dark.”
“I don’t have my phone on me.”
I go to wipe and my phone is in my hand….I realize I have carried my phone into the bathroom without realizing it. This scares me.
“No, NO..I am not doing that. I am going back to sleep.”
“Ok, how about this… why don’t you weigh yourself while you are here? It is Wednesday, after all. Wednesday is our best day for a weigh-in.
“I am not falling for that.. that is your best trick for waking me up. I am not getting on the scale. I know exactly what I weigh.”
“But you had sushi… the soy sauce turns you into a tick.”
“That is exactly why I should not get on the scale.” I pass the scale and get back into bed. I notice she has now wiggled into bed with me with her fucking glow-in-the-dark clipboard. Scott stirs.
“Shit.. you really need to get the fuck out of my bed now. You woke Scott… again.”
She gets out of the bed but stands right next to me. Walter gets up and comes over to us for a sniff and a little pet. She pauses as I feel his fur and admire his ability to ignore her.
She rushes back in. “There is more..”
“There is always more… please stop. STOP!”
I feel the edges of the cool pillow inviting me back with its promise of escape. I roll away from Babs onto my tummy, bend a knee up to the side, and spread out a bit. I can feel a dream coming on. Something soft and sweet. I stand on the threshold of this sleep, a place that never makes sense but lulls me into its arms, away from Babs and our busy world. Now, there is a baby in my arms. I have just pulled it out of the bath and feel its slippery freshness. Its little chin is cold and burrowing into my neck. I am wrapping a warm blanket around the baby and smelling the baby wet hair. I am trying to figure out which one of my three babies I have plucked up from this other world to visit, hold, and kiss again.
Then she is in the dream with me, her voice echoing off the light blue tiles of our old house In CT. I realize it must be Jack. He was the baby in CT. She continues, “Do you remember that for the last three years you forgot to pay on time and how to pay retroactively for the month of January? This year, we can get it done. I don’t think it is too late. You need insurance right now.
I don’t want to let go of my baby. I want to stay here rocking and smelling and snuggling him. But the baby fades from my arms like they always do. They come and go now.
“Ok… I will take care of it today.” I promise.
“Ok, great… Now that I have your attention, what about that cucumber in the left produce drawer in the fridge? Why didn’t you take care of that yesterday like I told you? You slide the drawer out and throw out the old veggies, wash the bin, and then put the drawer back with the good veggies you can use for dinner. It’s not that hard. 2 minutes tops. And while we are on it, what is for dinner tonight? Have you decided?”
“No.. I am going out tonight. I am not making dinner. I promise I will take care of that nasty cucumber later.”
“Ok, great. Now, who do we still need to get presents for? You could be more organized. The basement looks like an Amazon packaging plant. Do you even know whose is whose? You seem to be just finding stuff you like and buying four of them at a time.”
“Like the disco balls.”
“Oh yeah, but those are great. Are you ready for tea?“
This bitch runs on tea and cookies. “What fucking time is it?”
“3:50”
“No, No,. I am not talking to you anymore till at least six. You need to leave.”
I started thinking about the disco balls, how great they are, and how well they will complement the feng shui crystal balls. Now, I am planning how to wrap them together in a really cool way.
“NO wrapping paper. Remember, we are upcycling this year.” She grabs my wrapping paper and throws it into the abyss.
“Step back… I mean it… I am going to breathe and meditate for a while. I need it to be quiet for a little bit.”
“Oh great. I love it when you meditate. You are so much better at listening to me when you meditate.”
She is right.. My meditation practice is basically just another strategic planning meeting with her these days.
“Well, we have a lot of shit to do, and it’s the holidays. The kids are coming home. By this time next Wednesday night, they will all be upstairs in the bed sleeping.”
“Yes…sleeping… sleeping….don’t you have that on the list there somewhere?
“Not is not what you hired me for. You hired me so that you would not go flat. Shut down. Check out. Go into one of your ADHD spirals. You are a doer. ”
“You love my ADHA spirals.”
That is true. We need to harness that energy more and work on it. I will research this and get back to you. We can definitely streamline your energy better. You go in circles, round and round and round. Are you ready for tea yet?”
“No.. just let me rest for a little more. Just a little more… 5:00 is perfectly reasonable. Just give me till then.”
She is quiet, but I know she is just looking over the clipboard and looking for the big one.
I drift off into skin for a bit. Scott has thrown an arm and leg over me. For at least a ½ hour more, he has stolen me away safe from her. I drift back to the edge of sleep under his weighted body blanket. Reaching for babies and Hawai. I time my breath with his for a bit. I decided this could count as my meditation for the day. I can feel the mindlessness of it, the big open sense of the moment, a quiet, sleepy gratitude.
Then his alarm goes off. It’s 5:45. It’s OR day, meaning he has to be ready to operate by 7:00 AM. There is no snooze button on operating day. I can feel his assistant has just arrived outside the bedroom, standing tall in clogs, scrubs, and a crisp, clean white coat with Tarantino on the pocket where he keeps his pens and notes. His assistant is hot.
“How many cases today?” I whisper.
“Four.” Says Scott. His assistant has now stepped into the room.
Scott’s back looks white in the dark. I know it is dry and needs lotion. He turns and wraps his arms around me again. I scratch his back. He arches like a cat. The assistant coughs, and Scott is up and in the shower on cue. His assistant never comes too close to the bed like Babs does. He stands by the door to the bedroom. He knows better. He knows how to pace it. First, the shower, then the coffee, then the oatmeal. Then Scott will open his computer and then they will begin. Scott has always been better with boundaries.
My assistant on the other hand, has re-prioritized my day. With alarm, she declares.
“Ok, First the cucumber. Then the insurance Then we go downstairs with this clipboard and make your Christmas lists. Then, we have to focus today on Scott’s family care package. Truly, the presents may not make it in time if you don’t get that done by tomorrow.”
“You a crazy bitch,” I say in an attempt to make a boundary. “I am actually going to write this morning and go for a swim as well.”
“Well, you have acupuncture at 9:30, and you need to go to Trader Joe’s and Moms and IKEA to bring those curtains back and…don’t forget to bring your recycled bags with you.”
At this point, I can’t even remember what day it is. Every day is the same with her. The list, the clipboard, the urgency, the judgment, the panic.
“You are fired,” I say. “You suck.” I fire her every day at least once.
She is pleased. “There you go. Now you are up. Now it’s all on you…That a girl. My work here is done.”
A soft light is coming up. It looks like night still, but the promise of a party lies to the east. I think about how I have to put up my Christmas village. I need more batteries. I need to find fresh garlands and a Christmas tree.
I swing my legs over the bed and run my hands down my dry legs. My assistant seems to be off making tea.
I yell out to her. ”Don’t let me forget to pay that insurance bill today.”
And we are off….
